Identifying and Resisting Players!

A player is usually very deceptive and manipulative. When one enters your life, you could be forgiven for believing that they are a gift from heaven– and that is exactly what they want you to think. Sadly this thin veil of deception often hides low self worth, an inability to form secure attachments, and inevitably, heartbreak when the deception is exposed. He sexualizes the conversation immediately. This means that within the first minute of a conversation the man takes it into immediately obvious sexual territory. This doesn’t mean that he makes a direct proposition; rather he tries to get the conversation to center around sexual themes.  A major red flag.

People who have been single for a long time, are lonely or are struggling with their own self-esteem are particularly vulnerable to falling for a player but really no-one is exempt. Here are some of the main warning signs that can help you spot a one of these slippery characters if you are unfortunate enough to date one.

In the beginning….

The beginning of a relationship with a player will usually feel like a whirlwind and you may be knocked off your feet by their charm, enthusiasm and interest in your life. They will work hard to make you believe, very quickly, that your life has no value without them.

They will endeavour to be in your life right away, helping with problems and offering to be there for you in all sorts of situations. Before long they are in the centre of your life and being charming, endearing and overly helpful with other people as they try to ingratiate themselves with your family and friends too. Look out for boasting, unsubstantiated claims, a lack of information about themselves and flashy or grandiose plans – if it all seems too good to be true, it probably is.

As time goes on…

The aim of a player is to win your affection, and the marker they use to judge that this is happened is often that the relationship has become sexual – they have made their conquest. For others, it’ll be when you say you love them or, in extreme cases, agree to marry them. Whatever the challenge is, once it is achieved, the tide can turn very suddenly as he or she backs off and you are left wanting. This will turn the tables and you may find yourself spending more money, time, energy and effort than you normally would to lure them back, maybe even compromising your own principles and standards to do so. You might also start to realise that you don’t really know very much about them – like where they live or work – and when you start to check out the things they’ve told you, none of it really seems to stand up.

Why are people players?

Most players are looking for a fix for their fragile ego. They will say all the things you want to hear and will feel euphoric with your response because their ego will have got its much-needed feelings of power and control. Fundamentally, they are scared and feel unlovable so they are drawn to have many intense, short relationships rather than longer, more sustained attachments that would expose their vulnerability.

By using their charm, wit and skill to lure you into their trap they will get a temporary feeling of happiness which, like an addict who needs a fix, gives them relief, which soon wears off. They then feel compelled to leave and repeat the whole process again with their next victim – the thrill of the chase; the euphoria in succeeding; the downer when it wears off and the compulsion to do it again even if they are aware that their behaviour is damaging to themselves and those whose lives they touch.

In the end…

The world is full of players – in politics, industry and the arts as much as in everyday life. To a certain extent we are all playing, trying to negotiate relationships and situations so that we get our needs met.

A player in the romantic arena is a different matter because they are playing with people’s hearts and emotions and exploiting people’s vulnerability to get what they want. No one wants to be left feeling like a fool and the fear of this stops many people from dating at all.

A much better strategy would be to learn to not give your heart away because someone flatters you and makes you feel a million dollars. Take time to get to know them and listen to your intuition. If someone is overly brash, confident, pushy or asks you to do anything that you feel uncomfortable about – e.g. loaning them money when you have just met – don’t be afraid to cut them lose.

Resisting Players

Guarding against being tempted by a player is a tricky business. Many of them have far more experience penetrating your defenses than you ever know. He knows just what to say. A man who always knows the right thing to say, the right line to make you laugh or smile, is a man with an abundant amount of experience with women. A minor indicator by itself.

The important thing to know is that you might even be a “good woman”, or even a “good Christian woman.” You may even believe that fornication is a sin, and that pre-marital sex is wrong, and you are saving yourself for your husband… wearing a promise ring, But it doesn’t matter. Against such a man, without an external moral source, you cannot prevail…Players are like thieves. You have to run for your life.

1) Use the buddy system. Whenever possible, when in a location where players might be present, go with a friend or two. Then stick with one another at all times. Players need to get you alone with them in order to really pull off their seduction.  If they can’t get you alone, you have largely thwarted them. Remember, there is safety in numbers.

2) Don’t get isolated. While it might be ok to go a corner in a larger room, avoid leaving a crowded room for an empty one. Always have other people present, especially your friends.

3) Guard your phone number. Don’t give out your phone number to a man you’ve just met. Even better, don’t give it out until you have heard about the character of the guy from other, older women and from male friends and family. Same with e-mail.

4) Get a second opinion. In line with the previous bit of advice ask others about a man before agreeing to meet him in the future. Don’t ask your peers this, but instead older women and male friends and family.

5) Stick to public places. Until you have a better idea of a man’s character, only agree to meet him in a public place, like a café or a park. And make sure that the meeting is during the day or early evening. For early evening encounters, always set a hard time that you will need to leave by.

6) Never go to an unknown place with a man. If you aren’t familiar with a place, don’t go there with a man you hardly know.

7) NEVER GET DRUNK. EVER. Nothing has caused more women to lose their virginity or end up HIV positive in a few decades than alcohol. Drink soft drinks Never get drunk on deadly drinks.

8)  Wear modest and feminine clothing. Players prefer to target easy marks. So don’t appear to be one.  If you want to draw the attention of good men, and not players, wear clothing that good men would expect good women to wear.

9)  Maintain a healthy distance. Keep some space between you and men you don’t know well. This reduces the rate at which they build comfort, and makes it more difficult for them to trap you in. Also, don’t let a man you’ve just met touch you anywhere other than the hands.  Reserve hugs for women and men you know like your brothers.  And even if you’ve known a man for a while, in order to avoid the temptation to hook up with an acquaintance who happens to be a player, do not participate in even mild sexual contact, such as making out, with any man to whom you are not married to...

Lonely and Wondering why you are still SINGLE?

Before I talk about the title of this article I would like to talk about the WORTH OF WOMEN.

Women: We walk around with the most expensive phones and because we know the worth of these phones, they are well COVERED with an expensive phone- cover. Look at your phone the screen, its well-guarded with a screen guard. And some women walk around with Samsung galaxy Tabs and iPads all well-guarded and protected! Even the keypads, they are well protected with a keypad-protector.

But ironically, some of the ladies walk all over the streets with their bodies well EXPOSED.

Why?

Is it because the phones are worth more than our bodies or is it because some of us have not yet to realized worth as women?

The secret lies in the imagination not in displaying the tripple D's. Let him keep imagining and pay the FULL PRICE of Marriage to see it...no need to put your body on display for everyone to see...you can still look gorg without showing too much cleavage. Ladies our bodies are beautiful and priceless...Let's cover up.

Men: Are you Dating a Girl or a GROWN Woman? Well, let's find out...

Let me say this first, a boy is attracted to girls:-) A man is attracted to women. Now, this has Nothing to do with the actual AGE of a person. I am referring to maturity :-)) life vision and stage of life one is in. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up...ok let's go! 

A girl does not Respect her Body. She has Not yet understood that her Body and heart are SACRED, and that it is IMPORTANT to be mindful of how she Treats it and who she shares it with...A woman knows her body is too precious to be played with and RESERVED for her Husband ONLY.

A girl cherishes handbags, diamonds and her shoe collection as her prize possessions. A woman cherishes her health, her sense of self, and her talents as her greatest assets.... Girls hold grudges, stays mad for 40 years and tries to get even...A woman confronts the situation right away, forgives quickly and moves ahead...A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by MANY. A woman wants to be adored by JUST ONE MAN...

After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she Takes more than she Gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life...A girl has a checklist that prioritizes superficial qualities above anything else. Here is an example of how her man worksheet may look like:-)) Hot, popular, must drive a posh car, live in a mansion, over 6 feet tall, rich.. This is the checklist of what a woman may look for: High integrity, intelligent, kind, good communicator, emotionally available, family oriented, a Christian…

A woman takes the time to reflect on the type of human she wants to be, the example she wants to leave and the vision for her life. She has put thought into her values and what she stands for. A girl has not established her moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent. 

A girl throws tantrums. When displeased, upset or angry, she reacts just as she did as a child by screaming, giving the silent treatment etc. A woman still feels the emotions of being upset/displeased, but has cultivated the skill of responding versus reacting. She comes to the table as an adult, and communicates clearly what is bothering her:-) it sure works better than yelling and screaming.

A girl uses her physical beauty as her currency and basis of value. A girl may be so used to feeling validated through her looks and sexuality, that she uses this as her primary tool to get what she wants in life. A woman, knows her worth is beyond her physicality. A woman bases her value on her intelligence, her strength, her integrity, her values, her contributions, her humanity...

A girl banks on a man to help her financially... A woman plans to be financially independent and she banks on… herself. And if she so happens to enter a relationship dynamic where it makes sense for her partner to be the primary breadwinner, it’s considered a bonus, not the expected life line...

A girl sees the world from a place of lack and not enough. She competes and will even tear down another in order to secure resources or a mate. A woman helps other women. She knows that there’s plenty enough to go around and takes the high road of integrity to get what she wants...

A girl cannot be bothered with anything domestic and is proud of the fact that she cannot cook or clean. A woman understands that being domestic is not a duty, but understands that it is one way of taking care of herself and others. She also understands that in the event she wants to create a family, having a person in the household who can contribute domestically is important...

WHAT ELSE??? I think there's plenty more let's continue...
Girls want to control the man in their life. A woman knows that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls envy those who move ahead and hate the players...A woman shares her knowledge and helps others move ahead by not Hating the players but teaching others how to make it too.

Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex...A woman knows that it's NOT sex that makes a man want to 'Lock' you down.

Girls are afraid to be alone. A woman cherishes being alone and uses the time for personal/spiritual growth.

Girls ignore the good guys. A woman ignores the bad guys.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man. A woman knows that she is pretty and Good enough for ANY man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (for example... don't want him hanging with his friends). A woman realizes that a little bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special 

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so. A woman shows him and makes him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his manhood...

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it. A woman knows, it was just ONE man...

Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their
affection, ignoring all the signs. A woman knows that sometimes the one you love doesn't always love you back and MOVE ON without bitterness...

Most importantly a PRAYING woman is Powerful...

Girls will read this and get an attitude....But a GROWN WOMEN will read this and pass it on to other grown women! Have a Fab weekend and stay blessed...

To become a Fascinating woman read my book”You are a Precious Pearl”

Finally, let’s talk about “Lonely and Wondering why you are still SINGLE?” .

Well, Loneliness is NOT a bad thing! If you LOOK deeper LONELINESS is actually a BLESSING. Some of you are like what! A blessing, you must be joking:-) Well, I am not joking, just telling the truth. 

And believe me! I know, sometimes it hurts to be lonely. But God is not punishing you. God is just using that pain to bring you to the sweetest loveaffair of your life...it's not about bringing you a man to fall in love with, but it is making you more like the Man who already loved you...Jesus!

You may have been a bridesmaid countless times but never a" bride” you may be thrilled to stand beside some of the best women you have ever known, but deep down still feel the fear of being left behind. Wondering what is wrong with you; wondering what you could do to make yourself more desirable...sometimes even wonder if you would be lonely forever.

Very Important: Let your Loneliness become a reminder of the cross, the sacrifice of your own desires for those of the Lord. Jesus tells us in Matthew 16:24-25, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” It was a luxury, not afforded to those in serious relationships or marriages.

As Paul says, “The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). you have been given a great gift, and this gift can only be given to you at the lowest point in your life.

Still Single??? Let your Loneliness be a life-changing experience caused by the pain of loneliness. My advice to every lonely heart, single or not, is this: Love the Lord, seek His face, read His word, and share His love with others. And you will experience the blessing of loneliness....God is SIMPLY preparing you for the person he is about to bring into your life. You are in a period of Purification! Your prayer should be PREPARE me Lord and DRAW me Closer to you...Amen!

How to Be Great With Women

It’s hard to keep a positive attitude in dating especially when you are being rejected constantly.  It’s even harder not to blame yourself for your lack of success and feel helpless to change it.

You probably believe that since you don’t look a certain way… you’ll never be one of “those guys” who’s awesome with women. If all that were true, however, we wouldn’t have successful marriages. I have helped men of all appearances and personalities become confident, charismatic, and attract the women they desire.

Yes, some men had an early advantage because they were brought up in a way that facilitated the development of excellent self-esteem and social skills. That’s why some guys seem to effortlessly create sparks with women. But if you weren’t fortunate enough to be taught this from a young age, you can still cultivate those same skills and habits as an adult.

In fact, the men who make a conscious effort to improve themselves often develop better skills than so-called “naturals”. Men who actively learn how to date usually get higher quality women, have more choices, and create healthier relationships through self-analysis and personal growth. Naturals learn how to act through experience and don’t necessarily know why certain things work for them or how to continue to improve.

Well, I am not a man☺Go ask a friend who you think just “gets it” about what their secret is with women. You’ll usually get responses like, “You’ve just got to be yourself.” or “I don’t know, I just talk to them and it works out.” They don’t exactly understand their success and therefore have a hard time building upon it. On the other hand, men who decide to improve themselves start from a clean slate and fresh perspective. They’ve seen what doesn’t work which makes it easier to see what does. And they’ve endured the worst of it, which makes them stronger to handle hurdles in the future. To see your potential, you need accept that you’re not permanently messed up and that you can change. You just have to understand how your upbringing affected you and then practice new behaviors to overcome it.

A lack of a male authority figure

Some of you had fathers who were always distant — emotionally and/or physically. Maybe they were never home from working too much. Or they were always out drinking or cheating on your mother. Or maybe they just never opened up and showed you warmth or affection. Some of you don’t know your fathers at all. They abandoned the family from before you could remember and you never had a chance to have a real relationship with a dad. Here is how it may have affected you:

You don’t have that role model to show you how to be more masculine. You miss out on some of the key points in being more assertive, direct, and a leader.

You have a hard time being vulnerable or letting people get too close.

In turn, you get women who don’t see you as a top priority, people who don’t respect you fully, and aloof relationships.

How to change things

Find a strong male as a mentor to model yourself after. Aim to understand your wants, needs, and accept the value in wise selfishness. Then take those ideas and practice being assertive to get them. Learn to lead without being controlling. If you have a hard time letting people get close, share personal stories when you’re on a date. Write down a few hobbies or passions and bring them up in conversations with new people. Don’t just stick to small talk — share deeper details about yourself. Get comfortable expressing your true opinions.

A lack of encouragement to socialize or meet people from a young age

Your parents used to tell you to focus on your studies. They made you take music lessons. You weren’t allowed to play outside as much as the other kids or go to the sleepover parties your friends had. Maybe you had overprotective parents who told you to be wary of everyone and never talk to new people. They may have stifled your self-expression when you were talkative or energetic in public. They constantly told you to be quiet and stop acting out. As you got into your teenage years, your parents told you not to focus on women. Again, you had to be a good student, work on your education, and build a career. They may have even had plans for you to be arranged with someone they knew.

How it may have affected you

By the time you hit adulthood, education and work was all that you knew. You were never exposed to talking to all sorts of people in different situations. And maybe you never went to parties or hung out in many social groups with women you were attracted to. So now, you’re terrified at the prospect of approaching new people — especially women. You feel a ton of anxiety when having to meet strangers and have no idea what to say. You believe your introversion is the problem and that’s the way things are always going to be.

How to change things

You need to start talking to as many people as possible in all sorts of situations. Again, you don’t have to go cold approaching attractive women right away. Give yourself stepping stones.

If you don’t get out of your house at all, just choose somewhere to go to. That could be a walk downtown, an event, to shoot pool, or a nice restaurant and get yourself a soft drink. Be comfortable with talking to no one and make your objective just to stay in that social setting for a set amount of time.

You could go out and ask people for directions somewhere, get an opinion on something you’re shopping for, or even ask for a recommendation of which latte to get. You can make it easier by only asking those things to people working at their jobs since they have to be polite to you. Use different methods to work on your anxiety and make it easier on yourself.

Find events, hobbies, or classes that really seem interesting to you. Start by introducing yourself to men or women that don’t intimidate you. When you’re ready to talk to women you find attractive, you can give yourself a time limit before walking away or be the one to friend zone them first for practice. All this builds a thriving social circle. When you’re ready to take the leap, start introducing yourself to women you like with the intention of getting their number and meeting up again.

The world told you that you were destined for failure

Not of all us had parents who were supportive and encouraging. You could have had a parent who took out their insecurities on you. They put you down, told you everything you did was wrong, and you never felt good enough in their eyes. Or maybe you were consistently picked on by your peers. You might have had an embarrassing experience where a girl outright rejected you. Worse, maybe you had both of those things combined — a girl turned you down and everybody laughed at you about it.

How it may have affected you

All that criticism and rejection took a devastating blow on your self-esteem. It made you believe you were doomed to be a loser or a failure. Moreover, you’d always be helpless to change that.

Instead of trying to get what you want in life or improve yourself, you just gave up. Why wouldn’t you? You think there’s no way you can change your situation.

How to change things

Work on raising your self-esteem and overcoming your insecurities. That all starts by respecting yourself. Practice showing yourself gratitude and defeating your inner critic. Pursue experiences and connections which make you happy and reinforce your self-worth.

If getting rejected by women especially scares you, try other forms of rejection therapy to start. As you face those rejections, learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. Consciously filter those experiences through guilt, not shame. By putting yourself on the line, you’ll realize that failure is a temporary hurdle for growth and not a permanent reflection of yourself. You’ll start to get more comfortable with who you are. And with the combination of taking more vulnerable actions + valuing yourself, you’ll see the results you’re looking for. You will prove to yourself that you have the power to make drastic improvements in your life. And always seek God for guidance.  

10 Mistakes That Make You Look Desperate…

During the early stages of dating, a man doesn’t want to feel that you’re way more invested than he is… He wants you to be secure, not clingy…did you read that?  Let a man know and feel that you are the one choosing him— and not just because you’re desperate for a man. Now, I wrote in my recent book (Dating with a Purpose) how neediness is a state of mind and not necessarily your actions. Anything you do can be needy or not needy.

But I would be so naive to think that some behaviors didn’t still look “desperate”, even if they are coming from a healthy place…for example calling a husband who hasn’t been home in two 10 times, that’s not desperation…you simply concerned about his whereabouts.

1. Writing essay text messages

Listen, I don’t believe in playing games. If I like someone, I will text email as much as possible and not overthink it. But I also understand that smothering a man too soon can be a huge turnoff…

Just remember to keep your text conversations at a decent length, you are not writing an essay. It’s a text! Otherwise he might be thinking, “She seems way too serious already.” It also makes him feel like he has to spend the whole day replying to your text message when texting is supposed to be light and fun.

2. Over texting when you don’t hear back from him

So you sent a man a message and now you keep checking your phone. 15 minutes go by, then half an hour, and then an hour. Suddenly, you start panicking and wondering if he’s ignoring you. You’re dying for a response because you just have to find out for sure.

So you decide to send him another message…and another and another.Hey!

Just relax. Maybe he just got caught up in a meeting at work. Maybe he’s hanging out with friends or family. Maybe he’s been busy taking a shower and getting ready for who knows where☺.

Whatever the reason, it can come across intense for you to follow up when you didn’t get an immediate reply. And if he was ignoring you, messaging him again isn’t going to get him more attracted to you. I promise…it’ll do the opposite.

If you don’t hear back, text him in a day or two.

3. Asking if he got your last message or confronting him about not responding

Just like “over texting”, never ask a man if he got your last message. You are not his mother, he is a grown man. If you have to remind him to communicate with you that’s the kind of man you can do without. Assume he did and that he hasn’t responded for a reason. That reason isn’t always negative and pestering him about replying shows you’re just waiting around staring at your phone…and I hope you are not doing that.

4. Showering him with gifts or cleaning his house in order to win his love

Truth be told: You can’t buy a man’s affection. You may buy him attention as a provider but you’re not creating genuine attraction. You alone are more than enough to build a romantic connection with any man. Gatta have some confidence in yourself (If you need help in this area sign up for my what’s app confidence coaching)

Maybe you think showing him what you can offer will give you a better chance of getting married to him…but all you do is set yourself up as a guy who needs to compensate to get men. You might end up with a man, but he’ll only be attracted to your financials.

5. Professing your feelings overnight

This happens if you’re a “nice girl” and stuck in the nice zone.

You tell him that you like him and care so much about him. You promise you’ll treat him better than any other woman. You try to convince him that you’re perfect for him.

What you’re missing is that attraction is an emotion a man must feel something for you too. So take it one minute at a time, don’t rush anything.

6. Showing up at his Office or Home unannounced

Yes it’s charming in the movies, but in real life it’s very annoying. And really creepy.

A lot of women do this to force a man to have an interaction with them. You then put him in a position where he has to talk to you even if it’s not convenient.

Listen to me ladies: Men take their jobs very seriously and they don’t want their managers to see them playing around on company time. You’re just going to make him uncomfortable or pissed off. That’s why you can’t keep calling him at work especially if he has a high level job…

If you can’t get a man to respond or accept seeing you with a simple, “Hey, I will swing by your place today and say hi.” then you shouldn’t show up. But it’s still almost always better to setup a date outside of her work environment.

7. Being available for him at any time/24/7

Whenever you’re making plans with a man, suggest a single day to hang out. Even shoprite closes it’s not open 24/7 hello! So why should your calendar be open every single day?

You never want to say, “I’m free whenever, just let me know.” or “I’m open Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and the whole weekend.” You’re not being concrete enough and you won’t get him to commit to a specific day with you.

More importantly, a quality woman with a great lifestyle values her time and is busy. She’s working, working out, exploring her hobbies, hanging with friends, and even dating other men. She’s not going to completely clear her schedule to see one man she’s not fully invested in yet. A man has to put in some effort to make time or find a day that’s good for both of you.

If you really have all that free time, then you should work on becoming a man that men chase.

8. Making plans really far into the future

Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves when we like a man and it’s going well. We feel that attraction and already start planning out our future together.

You start looking at soccer tickets for two months away. Or you plan a cool weekend getaway. You’re all excited to tell him about these new ideas because you think it’s sweet.

When you tell him you don’t get the response you like. He seems hesitant. He says he’ll have to think about it or he doesn’t know his schedule yet. Sometimes, he may even agree to it and then back out later.

It’s because you tried to force a deeper connection. He’s enjoying his initial dates with you and being in the moment. He hasn’t even thought that far ahead. The fact that you’re planning a vacation in South Africa in Dec together when it’s still March is intimidating.

9. Talking about an exclusive relationship way too soon

Most women when they have a couple of good dates with a man they think it’s a done deal. They’re sold on him and want to ensure he’s as committed as they are. They also want to make sure he stops seeing other women.

The problem is that most men aren’t sure if they want to be exclusive with a girl until after several dates.  If you pressure him to decide before then, he may see you as an only option as breaking things off.

It’s basic psychology the more we invest time or emotion into something, the more attached we become. There’s no need to discuss an exclusive relationship immediately unless he addresses it first. Have a handful of dates with him, and if you’re still feeling the connection then you can have the “relationship talk”.

10. Asking her if he’s seeing other women or what he does with them

Before you become exclusive, it’s normal for both parties to still see other people. If he wants to talk to other women you can’t force him not to.

Needing to know anything and everything he does with other women makes you come across as insecure, controlling, and jealous. He’ll start to think, “If she’s already like this, how much worse would it be when we’re actually together?”

Remember, he’s not your possession and you don’t own him. What he does with his romantic life is private he can share it with you on his own if he decides to.

The tighter your grasp, the sooner he’ll want to escape it…you can’t pin a butterfly on a flower even if it loves beautiful flowers. It will die…let it fly away if it has to.

Want my personal 1-on-1 help to implement what you’ve just learned? I work with singles and married couples. Feel free to email me kayrose.academy@gmail.com