During the early stages of dating, a man doesn’t want to feel that you’re way more invested than he is… He wants you to be secure, not clingy…did you read that? Let a man know and feel that you are the one choosing him— and not just because you’re desperate for a man. Now, I wrote in my recent book (Dating with a Purpose) how neediness is a state of mind and not necessarily your actions. Anything you do can be needy or not needy.
But I would be so naive to think that some behaviors didn’t still look “desperate”, even if they are coming from a healthy place…for example calling a husband who hasn’t been home in two 10 times, that’s not desperation…you simply concerned about his whereabouts.
1. Writing essay text messages
Listen, I don’t believe in playing games. If I like someone, I will text email as much as possible and not overthink it. But I also understand that smothering a man too soon can be a huge turnoff…
Just remember to keep your text conversations at a decent length, you are not writing an essay. It’s a text! Otherwise he might be thinking, “She seems way too serious already.” It also makes him feel like he has to spend the whole day replying to your text message when texting is supposed to be light and fun.
2. Over texting when you don’t hear back from him
So you sent a man a message and now you keep checking your phone. 15 minutes go by, then half an hour, and then an hour. Suddenly, you start panicking and wondering if he’s ignoring you. You’re dying for a response because you just have to find out for sure.
So you decide to send him another message…and another and another.Hey!
Just relax. Maybe he just got caught up in a meeting at work. Maybe he’s hanging out with friends or family. Maybe he’s been busy taking a shower and getting ready for who knows where☺.
Whatever the reason, it can come across intense for you to follow up when you didn’t get an immediate reply. And if he was ignoring you, messaging him again isn’t going to get him more attracted to you. I promise…it’ll do the opposite.
If you don’t hear back, text him in a day or two.
3. Asking if he got your last message or confronting him about not responding
Just like “over texting”, never ask a man if he got your last message. You are not his mother, he is a grown man. If you have to remind him to communicate with you that’s the kind of man you can do without. Assume he did and that he hasn’t responded for a reason. That reason isn’t always negative and pestering him about replying shows you’re just waiting around staring at your phone…and I hope you are not doing that.
4. Showering him with gifts or cleaning his house in order to win his love
Truth be told: You can’t buy a man’s affection. You may buy him attention as a provider but you’re not creating genuine attraction. You alone are more than enough to build a romantic connection with any man. Gatta have some confidence in yourself (If you need help in this area sign up for my what’s app confidence coaching)
Maybe you think showing him what you can offer will give you a better chance of getting married to him…but all you do is set yourself up as a guy who needs to compensate to get men. You might end up with a man, but he’ll only be attracted to your financials.
5. Professing your feelings overnight
This happens if you’re a “nice girl” and stuck in the nice zone.
You tell him that you like him and care so much about him. You promise you’ll treat him better than any other woman. You try to convince him that you’re perfect for him.
What you’re missing is that attraction is an emotion a man must feel something for you too. So take it one minute at a time, don’t rush anything.
6. Showing up at his Office or Home unannounced
Yes it’s charming in the movies, but in real life it’s very annoying. And really creepy.
A lot of women do this to force a man to have an interaction with them. You then put him in a position where he has to talk to you even if it’s not convenient.
Listen to me ladies: Men take their jobs very seriously and they don’t want their managers to see them playing around on company time. You’re just going to make him uncomfortable or pissed off. That’s why you can’t keep calling him at work especially if he has a high level job…
If you can’t get a man to respond or accept seeing you with a simple, “Hey, I will swing by your place today and say hi.” then you shouldn’t show up. But it’s still almost always better to setup a date outside of her work environment.
7. Being available for him at any time/24/7
Whenever you’re making plans with a man, suggest a single day to hang out. Even shoprite closes it’s not open 24/7 hello! So why should your calendar be open every single day?
You never want to say, “I’m free whenever, just let me know.” or “I’m open Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and the whole weekend.” You’re not being concrete enough and you won’t get him to commit to a specific day with you.
More importantly, a quality woman with a great lifestyle values her time and is busy. She’s working, working out, exploring her hobbies, hanging with friends, and even dating other men. She’s not going to completely clear her schedule to see one man she’s not fully invested in yet. A man has to put in some effort to make time or find a day that’s good for both of you.
If you really have all that free time, then you should work on becoming a man that men chase.
8. Making plans really far into the future
Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves when we like a man and it’s going well. We feel that attraction and already start planning out our future together.
You start looking at soccer tickets for two months away. Or you plan a cool weekend getaway. You’re all excited to tell him about these new ideas because you think it’s sweet.
When you tell him you don’t get the response you like. He seems hesitant. He says he’ll have to think about it or he doesn’t know his schedule yet. Sometimes, he may even agree to it and then back out later.
It’s because you tried to force a deeper connection. He’s enjoying his initial dates with you and being in the moment. He hasn’t even thought that far ahead. The fact that you’re planning a vacation in South Africa in Dec together when it’s still March is intimidating.
9. Talking about an exclusive relationship way too soon
Most women when they have a couple of good dates with a man they think it’s a done deal. They’re sold on him and want to ensure he’s as committed as they are. They also want to make sure he stops seeing other women.
The problem is that most men aren’t sure if they want to be exclusive with a girl until after several dates. If you pressure him to decide before then, he may see you as an only option as breaking things off.
It’s basic psychology the more we invest time or emotion into something, the more attached we become. There’s no need to discuss an exclusive relationship immediately unless he addresses it first. Have a handful of dates with him, and if you’re still feeling the connection then you can have the “relationship talk”.
10. Asking her if he’s seeing other women or what he does with them
Before you become exclusive, it’s normal for both parties to still see other people. If he wants to talk to other women you can’t force him not to.
Needing to know anything and everything he does with other women makes you come across as insecure, controlling, and jealous. He’ll start to think, “If she’s already like this, how much worse would it be when we’re actually together?”
Remember, he’s not your possession and you don’t own him. What he does with his romantic life is private he can share it with you on his own if he decides to.
The tighter your grasp, the sooner he’ll want to escape it…you can’t pin a butterfly on a flower even if it loves beautiful flowers. It will die…let it fly away if it has to.
Want my personal 1-on-1 help to implement what you’ve just learned? I work with singles and married couples. Feel free to email me kayrose.academy@gmail.com
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