It’s hard to keep a positive attitude in dating especially when you are being rejected constantly. It’s even harder not to blame yourself for your lack of success and feel helpless to change it.
You probably believe that since you don’t look a certain way… you’ll never be one of “those guys” who’s awesome with women. If all that were true, however, we wouldn’t have successful marriages. I have helped men of all appearances and personalities become confident, charismatic, and attract the women they desire.
Yes, some men had an early advantage because they were brought up in a way that facilitated the development of excellent self-esteem and social skills. That’s why some guys seem to effortlessly create sparks with women. But if you weren’t fortunate enough to be taught this from a young age, you can still cultivate those same skills and habits as an adult.
In fact, the men who make a conscious effort to improve themselves often develop better skills than so-called “naturals”. Men who actively learn how to date usually get higher quality women, have more choices, and create healthier relationships through self-analysis and personal growth. Naturals learn how to act through experience and don’t necessarily know why certain things work for them or how to continue to improve.
Well, I am not a man☺Go ask a friend who you think just “gets it” about what their secret is with women. You’ll usually get responses like, “You’ve just got to be yourself.” or “I don’t know, I just talk to them and it works out.” They don’t exactly understand their success and therefore have a hard time building upon it. On the other hand, men who decide to improve themselves start from a clean slate and fresh perspective. They’ve seen what doesn’t work which makes it easier to see what does. And they’ve endured the worst of it, which makes them stronger to handle hurdles in the future. To see your potential, you need accept that you’re not permanently messed up and that you can change. You just have to understand how your upbringing affected you and then practice new behaviors to overcome it.
A lack of a male authority figure
Some of you had fathers who were always distant — emotionally and/or physically. Maybe they were never home from working too much. Or they were always out drinking or cheating on your mother. Or maybe they just never opened up and showed you warmth or affection. Some of you don’t know your fathers at all. They abandoned the family from before you could remember and you never had a chance to have a real relationship with a dad. Here is how it may have affected you:
You don’t have that role model to show you how to be more masculine. You miss out on some of the key points in being more assertive, direct, and a leader.
You have a hard time being vulnerable or letting people get too close.
In turn, you get women who don’t see you as a top priority, people who don’t respect you fully, and aloof relationships.
How to change things
Find a strong male as a mentor to model yourself after. Aim to understand your wants, needs, and accept the value in wise selfishness. Then take those ideas and practice being assertive to get them. Learn to lead without being controlling. If you have a hard time letting people get close, share personal stories when you’re on a date. Write down a few hobbies or passions and bring them up in conversations with new people. Don’t just stick to small talk — share deeper details about yourself. Get comfortable expressing your true opinions.
A lack of encouragement to socialize or meet people from a young age
Your parents used to tell you to focus on your studies. They made you take music lessons. You weren’t allowed to play outside as much as the other kids or go to the sleepover parties your friends had. Maybe you had overprotective parents who told you to be wary of everyone and never talk to new people. They may have stifled your self-expression when you were talkative or energetic in public. They constantly told you to be quiet and stop acting out. As you got into your teenage years, your parents told you not to focus on women. Again, you had to be a good student, work on your education, and build a career. They may have even had plans for you to be arranged with someone they knew.
How it may have affected you
By the time you hit adulthood, education and work was all that you knew. You were never exposed to talking to all sorts of people in different situations. And maybe you never went to parties or hung out in many social groups with women you were attracted to. So now, you’re terrified at the prospect of approaching new people — especially women. You feel a ton of anxiety when having to meet strangers and have no idea what to say. You believe your introversion is the problem and that’s the way things are always going to be.
How to change things
You need to start talking to as many people as possible in all sorts of situations. Again, you don’t have to go cold approaching attractive women right away. Give yourself stepping stones.
If you don’t get out of your house at all, just choose somewhere to go to. That could be a walk downtown, an event, to shoot pool, or a nice restaurant and get yourself a soft drink. Be comfortable with talking to no one and make your objective just to stay in that social setting for a set amount of time.
You could go out and ask people for directions somewhere, get an opinion on something you’re shopping for, or even ask for a recommendation of which latte to get. You can make it easier by only asking those things to people working at their jobs since they have to be polite to you. Use different methods to work on your anxiety and make it easier on yourself.
Find events, hobbies, or classes that really seem interesting to you. Start by introducing yourself to men or women that don’t intimidate you. When you’re ready to talk to women you find attractive, you can give yourself a time limit before walking away or be the one to friend zone them first for practice. All this builds a thriving social circle. When you’re ready to take the leap, start introducing yourself to women you like with the intention of getting their number and meeting up again.
The world told you that you were destined for failure
Not of all us had parents who were supportive and encouraging. You could have had a parent who took out their insecurities on you. They put you down, told you everything you did was wrong, and you never felt good enough in their eyes. Or maybe you were consistently picked on by your peers. You might have had an embarrassing experience where a girl outright rejected you. Worse, maybe you had both of those things combined — a girl turned you down and everybody laughed at you about it.
How it may have affected you
All that criticism and rejection took a devastating blow on your self-esteem. It made you believe you were doomed to be a loser or a failure. Moreover, you’d always be helpless to change that.
Instead of trying to get what you want in life or improve yourself, you just gave up. Why wouldn’t you? You think there’s no way you can change your situation.
How to change things
Work on raising your self-esteem and overcoming your insecurities. That all starts by respecting yourself. Practice showing yourself gratitude and defeating your inner critic. Pursue experiences and connections which make you happy and reinforce your self-worth.
If getting rejected by women especially scares you, try other forms of rejection therapy to start. As you face those rejections, learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. Consciously filter those experiences through guilt, not shame. By putting yourself on the line, you’ll realize that failure is a temporary hurdle for growth and not a permanent reflection of yourself. You’ll start to get more comfortable with who you are. And with the combination of taking more vulnerable actions + valuing yourself, you’ll see the results you’re looking for. You will prove to yourself that you have the power to make drastic improvements in your life. And always seek God for guidance.
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