Dating Tips for Dating Widows and Widowers

It's 5:30 AM yawning as I pour my coffee into my favorite mug... trying to think of what to write before my iDistractdroid device starts blowing up with constant non-stop notifications from all over the web:-) but anyways, enough of my crazy busy life. Let's talk about the dating tips for dating widows and widowers. Oh yeah! This is a different space in the world of dating. But before we get started, let me address the guys for a minute...

Men,where are you?  Especially Christian men...  if you still remember what happened to Samson, a sexy woman may catch your eyeballs but make sure she doesn't catch your heart.  The way a woman exposes herself says much about her heart. Proverbs 7:10 says it all “And, behold, the woman meets him, dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart”  This scripture clearly explains that a woman will dress in a certain way to catch a certain type of man.  Please don’t be that man! Don’t be a foolish man who’s led by his hormones instead of the Holy Spirit.  Remember: you want a godly woman, not gaudy woman. Any woman who hasn’t yielded her sexuality to God will blind you with her charms, break your heart and snip your anointing off. If the “Christian” woman you met at church dresses provocatively, flirts with other guys, posts sexually inappropriate comments on Facebook or tells you she’s OK with sex before marriage, get out of that relationship before she traps you. Lastly, stay away from a devotion-less woman.  Is the woman having a regular, daily devotional time with her God?  If she doesn’t love the Lord now, chances are, she won’t love the Lord after marriage.   (Don’t lie to yourself... you are not going to change her.)  You want to marry a girl who has an intimate relationship with Jesus.  Jesus (not you) has to be the first man in her life.  Here are some good questions to ask: Does she have an active prayer life?  Does she have a heart for evangelism?  Is she hungry for God’s Word?  What does her pastor think about her? Men: May God be with you in your "wife" search.  Strong families start with strong wives. Choose wisely and choose in the Lord!

Here are a few Tips for dating Widows and Widowers:

1. When should you date again?

There’s no specific time period that one should wait before dating again... Grieving and the process of moving on is something that’s unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. Whatever you do, don’t let others tell you you are moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you are really ready to try before taking that step.

Hint:Some of your relatives and friends may give you a hard time for dating again or have some silly romantic notion that widows and widowers shouldn’t fall in love again... but hey! This is your life...You don’t need to justify your actions to them or anyone else. But of course, don't marry immediately after the burial.

2. Relax!You are not cheating on your late wife

The first time you go out to dinner with another woman, you may feel like you are cheating on your late wife....you might even be filled with feelings of guilt and betrayal...you may even be looking around to see if there was anyone in the restaurant who knows you:-) This may sound  a little silly, but it happens.Hint: Enjoy the company of the woman I was with without feeling guilty.You are not cheating on your wife.

3. It’s okay to talk about your late wife– But Pulease don’t overdo it!

Unless you and your date are very good friends or have known your date previously, he or she is going to be naturally curious about your spouse and previous marriage. And it’s OK to talk about your late husband/wife when you are first dating someone. Answer questions he or she may have about your marriage, but don’t spend the entire evening talking about the dead or how happy you were. After all, your date is the one that's here NOW. And who knows, he or she might make you incredibly happy for years to come. Constantly talking about the past, may make it seem like you aren't ready to move on and start a new life. Showing that you care enough to get to know them can help reassure your date that you are ready to start a new life with someone else.

4. Defend your new love

Once your family and friends learn that you are dating again, they may not treat this new woman or man in your life very well. The treatment may not be exactly what you expect from...some may give him/her a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife.husband in front of your new love. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that you will not accept this kind of behavior. If you wouldn’t let family or friends, treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else... especially when your date could become your future spouse? Don’t be afraid to defend your new love. If you can’t do that, then you have no business dating again.

5. You are not on a date with your therapist

Would you like to go out with someone who was constantly talking about issues she was having in her life? Dating isn’t a therapy session ...it’s an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about the pain in your heart, how much you miss your wife/husband, or tough times you are going through, maybe it's a sign you need a break from the dating world... seek professional help. Spending K200 to hire a therapist will help you much more than spending K200 for dinner and a movie. Besides, your date will have a more memorable night if it’s about him or her then about everything you are going through or your late wife/husband.

6. Dealing with children

When you meet the widow/widower’s children at the appropriate time and as you get to know them, remember that young children may feel conflicted with having feelings for you... don't force them to accept you. They need to know you are not trying to replace the departed parent and that you are not competing for the place in which they hold that parent in their hearts.

Also, it is not a slight against you or a sign that the widowed person is not ready to date when the widowed person wants to show respect... for example, say a prayer, visit the grave on important days like death day, birthday. It is also important for the children to have these rituals in order to remember their departed parent. Be open minded!

.Conclusion

You are not in competition with the departed spouse. You aren’t a replacement for the lost spouse. You should not try to be one. You should not compare yourself to the departed spouse. You are not the him/her. One has to remember, that a widowed person did not end the relationship because he/she wanted to... it was taken from them, and in this way is very different from that of a divorce... there will be issues for which there is no hope of closure. Further, the deceased spouse will continue to influence the widow/widower’s action and personality and the in-laws may continue to be a part of their lives.

I think anyone who is thinking about dating a widow/widower should become familiar with the stages of grief so as to understand it is a process... You will be a good partner if you are open to understanding the path your date has walked. Also, one should know that a widowed person often maintains contact with their deceased spouse’s family. One needs to have an open mind and heart about this. Hint: Remember that the widow/widower still loves their lost spouse...don't try to change that. But always remember this: The other person is not trying to compete with you, they are dead. Be kind to yourself and choose your battles.